autumn colours

i love autumn so i am enjoying taking part in autmn colour week over at poppytalk. every day is a different colour. today was orange day but i was a bit too poorly to go outside to take photos. i just took a wee pic of some orange wool (between naps) and posted that. if you have a blog or flickr photo site there is still time to take part!

finding gratitude again

i have weathered the storm and have been able to find gratitude again instead of just feeling sorry for myself. i am grateful for a sunny start to autumn here in glasgow and for being well enough to get to my allotment to see some beautiful flowers.

i am taking amitryptyline tablets for my fibro pain. have you been helped by them? or have you had bad side effects? i would love to hear about your experiences.

where has all the happy talk gone?

over the last few day's it has been hard to think any happy thoughts or talk any happy talk with me. yup, it's been a tough old week.

lots of oouch and zzzzz (achey and exhausted) with lot's of life's hurdles and challenges thrown in to boot. to top it all my computer broke down and i have lost thousands of photos that i was just about to back up incase anything ever happened to my computer! life just sucks sometimes eh?

so i will return with a new post soon, once i manage to crawl out from under the duvet. :-(

good from bad.

cfs/me/fibro symptoms are horrid.

unless you have been or are affected by them it is hard to know just how bad you can feel. or how your life can change so drastically. i was a very active person. when not working i would be walking, cycling and doing yoga to keep myself fit. from having all that energy to having zero has been so hard. i also had a home i worked hard to get, an ok social life and a job. not any more.

severe fatigue is nothing compared to feeling a 'bit tired'. my symptoms vary from day to day (sometimes hour to hour) and in intensity. every day i feel like i have flu. on a 'good' day it is like mild flu and on a 'bad' day it is like when flu is so bad it hurts to move in your bed let alone get out of it. i have difficulties with my memory and concentration, tender glands, muscle and joint pain, headaches, disturbed and unrefreshed sleep, nausea, feeling very hot or very cold for no reason, night sweats, feeling dizzy, depression, putting on three stone, problems with my balance and sensitivity to noise and light. phew!

however i am one of the lucky ones. i do not need a wheelchair and i am not confined to bed.

i have come to accept these symptoms. this does not mean i have given up hope for improvement. far from it. i continue to research and try new things to ease my symptoms which i will share with you in this blog.

i have also been through financial hell due to not earning, i am going to lose my home soon as an outcome. i also am tired of trying to explain to people what is wrong with me and why i am not working etc when i 'look' ok.

i have asked myself if my life has changed for the better in any way since my symptoms began?

the answer is yes! and to my surprise i was able to list quite a few good things!

+i always wanted a cat but was always too be busy and travelled away for work, so how could i look after one? well now i have three! when i first was off work sick i adopted my rescue cat biba. nine days later she gave birth to her daughter orla under the sofa! nobody had known she was pregnant! a few weeks ago i adopted cissy. she needed homed with other cats as she has eyesight problems. they have brought so much joy into my life. they make me laugh so much and i love them to bits! i would not have had them in my life had i not gotten unwell.

+in march this year i was offered an allotment. ironic as i had been on the waiting lists for years and now when i was least able to take one on -dada! i suddenly had one. i have been lucky as my friend emily offered to share it with me and that has been a blessing. i must thank emily for doing the majority of the work due to the fact i rarely seem to make it out here and when i do i often just manage to sit there and watch as she works her magic. it is like a little retreat in the city where i forget all my troubles and just be.

+i have had to slow down. no choice. i was always so busy. i would cram so much into each day and even feel a bit guilty if i was not always 'doing'.something. i have had to learn how to just 'be'.

+i have had to learn to simplify things. i have had my hair cropped as dealing with long hair takes to much energy etc. hours of washing, drying, straightening, styling. gone. and it's good to just wash it in the shower and towel dry. added bonus, i actually like it!

+i have always been very creative but not had the time to create. i have had time to spend knitting, drawing, sewing and printing etc. this is not as often as i would like as i don't always have the mental 'space' or energy. but it is a start. i have been able to make little pressy's for people that i could not afford to buy.

+i have had to learn to live in the 'now'. i can't plan ahead often as i don't know how i will be feeling the next hour let alone the next week! this is a good thing as when we are constantly planning ahead we often forget to 'stop and smell the roses'.

+i have had time to think about my career. i know when i get well enough to work again i will go in a different direction to what i have been doing. even in these hard times i think it makes sense to try and do something meaningful that we enjoy instead of spending hours unhappy in a stressful job we don't enjoy. i am now going to head down the path that feels right. i won't earn as much but i will be happier. sometimes it takes getting ill to make positive changes in your life.

+i am learning to say 'no'. i am still not very good at it. now i often have no choice but to say 'sorry i am too poorly today - lets meet up another time'.

+i am learning to 'stop sweating the small stuff' at last. little thing don't bother me as much. my health is the most important thing. i have really tried to deal with the things i can change and accept the things i can't. i was not like this before i got ill - i would worry about everything.

i would love to hear what good things have came out of your illness, please share your experiences.

specky four eyes

i have had to start wearing glasses. i will just need them mostly for watching tv etc for now but the optician says within a year my eyesight may be worse. is my eye problems simply down to age ( i have had good vision until my forties) or could it be another symptom of cfs/me? i sometimes have pain around my eyes, blurry vision and sensitivity to lights.

i think it is a bit of both.

the thing is i feel very lucky to have had perfect sight until now and to have found glasses i really love with pink legs!